Day 2 - 232.4 Daily Fix

Current Loss:  3.2 Pounds

Yesterday was freaking hard. For the past few months, every single day, I go to this one restaurant and have waffles with extra butter and hot syrup. Sometimes I even went twice a day on different shifts so the waitstaff wouldn't know how much I was really eating. Those waffles are so freaking good. It's like they call my name. Even typing that just made my stomach clench.

My normal routine for the past few months is get up, surf the net, run errands, hit a meeting, go get waffles. That's it. That's what I did. So after the meeting yesterday my mind and body was screaming - GO GET WAFFLES! IT'S TIME FOR WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES! It was literally like I was an addict craving a drink or drug. My stomach clenched. My chest clenched. My mind wouldn't stop ruminating on it even though I was trying to think of something else. Professionals say cravings only last 3 to 5 minutes but that's a bold face lie. Mine lasted 30 minutes to an hour. As weak as I am - I have very little to no self-control or self-discipline - I'm shocked I didn't cave.

Here's what I did to get past the cravings. One, I communicated what I was going through. I texted a friend that I was struggling and I called my boyfriend and left him a detailed message of what I was going through on his answering machine. Two, I kept busy with errands and such. Three, I had an epiphany. I some how made the connection that my cravings were "right now" and "right now" wasn't going to kill my dreams. I'm not sure how to word all I was thinking but I'll do my best.  I realized I was craving waffles now, now, now and the only thing I had to do was say no to "right now." I wasn't fighting a 30-year battle; I was fighting "right now." Something about that instantly made the cravings lessen by at least 60%.

Saying no "right now" just isn't that hard when I compare it to all I'm leaving behind. I've never been this big in my life. I have a second chin. I have folds on my back. My thighs are the size of some women's waists. I get tired easily. I don't feel cute, sexy, or even feminine. I'm constantly envying smaller women before my mind can even consciously grasp what I'm doing. My youngest child is actually embarrassed that I've gotten as big as I have. Ovarian cancer killed my sister and my grandmother and I'm terrified that my weight is going to contribute to my early demise.

So why is this so hard? Because the only real pleasure I had to look forward to every day was when I sat down and ate my waffles. Because of my weight, I don't feel good about myself. I'm bigger than all of my friends and that thought keeps surfacing every time we're together. So over time I've just stopped wanting to be with them. I moved 35 minutes away and for the most part, I just sit in my apartment and surf the net, watch Hulu Plus, watch dvds, read, or practice my knitting, crocheting, or tatting. In the evenings, I leave to run errands, hit a meeting, and, most importantly, have my waffles.

I'm just realizing right now how important that diner has become in my life. I know all the waitstaff and I can sit there and talk and laugh with them and feel a connection to others, even if it's a superficial connection. Primarily because it's a superficial connection. They don't ask anything of me. There's nothing I have to do or be for them. Plus they feed me and the sensation of all that butter, syrup and bread at one time is orgasmic. Going to the diner was literally like getting my daily fix. It made me ok. Now I've taken that away from myself and I don't have anything to replace it with. No wonder I was struggling so bad.

So, what can I replace it with? When I stopped drinking, I would go to Barnes and Nobles, sit in the cafe, eat a cookie, drink coffee, and read until they closed the doors at 10pm or 11pm. Just being around other people, but not being a part of, is really all I need of human contact. Tonight, after the meeting, I'll just go to Barnes and Nobles, drink coffee, and practice my tatting. When it closes, I'll come home and hopefully be asleep by 11pm or 12am. I had planned to go to spend the night at a friend's since I have appointments in her area but I don't feel like it.

My diet is going to be the same thing it was suppose to be yesterday: protein shakes, soups, diet soda, coffee, water. I might throw in 8 to 12 almonds if I need to snack when I get home from Barnes and Nobles but under no circumstance will I go over 1,000 calories.

That's it for me. Take care and be blessed.