Current Loss: 3.2 Pounds
Yesterday was freaking hard. For the past few months, every single day, I go to this one restaurant and have waffles with extra butter and hot syrup. Sometimes I even went twice a day on different shifts so the waitstaff wouldn't know how much I was really eating. Those waffles are so freaking good. It's like they call my name. Even typing that just made my stomach clench.
My normal routine for the past few months is get up, surf the net, run errands, hit a meeting, go get waffles. That's it. That's what I did. So after the meeting yesterday my mind and body was screaming - GO GET WAFFLES! IT'S TIME FOR WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES! It was literally like I was an addict craving a drink or drug. My stomach clenched. My chest clenched. My mind wouldn't stop ruminating on it even though I was trying to think of something else. Professionals say cravings only last 3 to 5 minutes but that's a bold face lie. Mine lasted 30 minutes to an hour. As weak as I am - I have very little to no self-control or self-discipline - I'm shocked I didn't cave.
Here's what I did to get past the cravings. One, I communicated what I was going through. I texted a friend that I was struggling and I called my boyfriend and left him a detailed message of what I was going through on his answering machine. Two, I kept busy with errands and such. Three, I had an epiphany. I some how made the connection that my cravings were "right now" and "right now" wasn't going to kill my dreams. I'm not sure how to word all I was thinking but I'll do my best. I realized I was craving waffles now, now, now and the only thing I had to do was say no to "right now." I wasn't fighting a 30-year battle; I was fighting "right now." Something about that instantly made the cravings lessen by at least 60%.
Saying no "right now" just isn't that hard when I compare it to all I'm leaving behind. I've never been this big in my life. I have a second chin. I have folds on my back. My thighs are the size of some women's waists. I get tired easily. I don't feel cute, sexy, or even feminine. I'm constantly envying smaller women before my mind can even consciously grasp what I'm doing. My youngest child is actually embarrassed that I've gotten as big as I have. Ovarian cancer killed my sister and my grandmother and I'm terrified that my weight is going to contribute to my early demise.
So why is this so hard? Because the only real pleasure I had to look forward to every day was when I sat down and ate my waffles. Because of my weight, I don't feel good about myself. I'm bigger than all of my friends and that thought keeps surfacing every time we're together. So over time I've just stopped wanting to be with them. I moved 35 minutes away and for the most part, I just sit in my apartment and surf the net, watch Hulu Plus, watch dvds, read, or practice my knitting, crocheting, or tatting. In the evenings, I leave to run errands, hit a meeting, and, most importantly, have my waffles.
I'm just realizing right now how important that diner has become in my life. I know all the waitstaff and I can sit there and talk and laugh with them and feel a connection to others, even if it's a superficial connection. Primarily because it's a superficial connection. They don't ask anything of me. There's nothing I have to do or be for them. Plus they feed me and the sensation of all that butter, syrup and bread at one time is orgasmic. Going to the diner was literally like getting my daily fix. It made me ok. Now I've taken that away from myself and I don't have anything to replace it with. No wonder I was struggling so bad.
So, what can I replace it with? When I stopped drinking, I would go to Barnes and Nobles, sit in the cafe, eat a cookie, drink coffee, and read until they closed the doors at 10pm or 11pm. Just being around other people, but not being a part of, is really all I need of human contact. Tonight, after the meeting, I'll just go to Barnes and Nobles, drink coffee, and practice my tatting. When it closes, I'll come home and hopefully be asleep by 11pm or 12am. I had planned to go to spend the night at a friend's since I have appointments in her area but I don't feel like it.
My diet is going to be the same thing it was suppose to be yesterday: protein shakes, soups, diet soda, coffee, water. I might throw in 8 to 12 almonds if I need to snack when I get home from Barnes and Nobles but under no circumstance will I go over 1,000 calories.
That's it for me. Take care and be blessed.
I Am:
- A Gypsy's Daughter
- I'm 39 years olds and I'm just trying to find my place in the world. I've had a few careers, owned a few businesses, and overcame a few challenges. Now, after an entire life-time of trying my hardest to be who and what I thought everybody else wanted me to be, I'm finally ready to be myself. The fun part is uncovering who that is.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Results of Day 1
Well...to be honest...which I don't really want to be...Day 1 didn't go as planned. I did no exercise, unless you call searching the net for a better stove for Dude (my 1997 Honda Odyssey) exercise. AND I ate 8 almonds and 20 hard pieces of candy. In my defense, it was an old school candy that I haven't seen in like 15 or 20 years. It's called Big Bol and it's just scrumptious.
It's pink and the candy is so good and the gum is so good and I had only had one small protein shake ALL DAY and it was like 9pm already. Now I know that was because of bad planning on my part but still. It was ALL DAY. And it was Big Bol. And they were only $.05 each. So really, the calories probably don't even count since the cost was miniscule. Maybe.
So did I do anything right? Yes. I had 2 protein shakes, a diet soda with Splenda, and a small cup of coffee with one packet of the pink stuff.
Calorie Count
- Protein shakes (2) - 320 cals
- Diet soda (1) - 0 cals
- Coffee w/ 1 pack pink stuff (4 oz) - 0 cals
- Big Bols (20) - 200 cals (d@mn! I didn't know they were 10 cals a piece (per Livestrong))
- Almonds (8) - 49 cals
Total - 569 cals (too low)
Ok. It's already 12:16 am but my calorie count is too low. I'm going to go have a cup of soup and that should raise it about 300 calories. I'll edit it to show the correct count.
AND I've learned from my mistakes today.
1. The 30 minutes walk needs to be completed in the morning.
2. I need to plan out my meals - 3 meals a day in reasonable intervals.
3. I can't let myself get too hungry. For 200 cals I could have had 2 cans of soup today or 1 protein shake and some extra broccoli in my soup, or 1 protein shake and 4 Big Bols.
Still, no stress. I didn't kill anyone, the cat didn't die, my car didn't explode. This is just another case of "Now I Know".
Take care and Be Blessed.
Edit:
For soup I emptied 2 cans of campbells chicken and noodle, 2 cans of water, 1 can of tyson chicken dark meat and 1 bag of broccoli into a bowl and heated it for 8 minutes. Total calories are 720. I'm eating maybe a 3rd or a 4th. For the sake of error, I'm going to say a 3rd. That's 240 cals.
-Soup 240 calories
Total for the Day: 809 Calories and I'm stuffed.
So did I do anything right? Yes. I had 2 protein shakes, a diet soda with Splenda, and a small cup of coffee with one packet of the pink stuff.
Calorie Count
- Protein shakes (2) - 320 cals
- Diet soda (1) - 0 cals
- Coffee w/ 1 pack pink stuff (4 oz) - 0 cals
- Big Bols (20) - 200 cals (d@mn! I didn't know they were 10 cals a piece (per Livestrong))
- Almonds (8) - 49 cals
Total - 569 cals (too low)
Ok. It's already 12:16 am but my calorie count is too low. I'm going to go have a cup of soup and that should raise it about 300 calories. I'll edit it to show the correct count.
AND I've learned from my mistakes today.
1. The 30 minutes walk needs to be completed in the morning.
2. I need to plan out my meals - 3 meals a day in reasonable intervals.
3. I can't let myself get too hungry. For 200 cals I could have had 2 cans of soup today or 1 protein shake and some extra broccoli in my soup, or 1 protein shake and 4 Big Bols.
Still, no stress. I didn't kill anyone, the cat didn't die, my car didn't explode. This is just another case of "Now I Know".
Take care and Be Blessed.
Edit:
For soup I emptied 2 cans of campbells chicken and noodle, 2 cans of water, 1 can of tyson chicken dark meat and 1 bag of broccoli into a bowl and heated it for 8 minutes. Total calories are 720. I'm eating maybe a 3rd or a 4th. For the sake of error, I'm going to say a 3rd. That's 240 cals.
-Soup 240 calories
Total for the Day: 809 Calories and I'm stuffed.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Day 1 - 235.6 lbs
Today is Day 1. I woke up at 2pm and I just weighed myself naked.
My base weight...wait for it...is 235.6 POUNDS!!! WTF?!!!
I can't believe it's that high. I did have my "final" no-holds-barred meal last night so maybe it's just my overly full intestinal tract. I hope so.
My final goal weight is 135 lbs. Come to think of it, a loss of 100 lbs is such a nice, round number. But for right now, my focus is 70 in 90 - 70 lbs in 90 days and my first goal is 10 lbs in 7 days (that includes water and intestinal loss so it shouldn't be that difficult).
For the next 2 weeks I'm going to be on a completely liquid diet - primarily protein shakes but also soups, diet sodas, water. My max calories will be 1000 (again, a nice round number) and my minimum will be 600 to 800. I need to make it as hard as possible so that when I start eating whole foods again, my body sees it as something wonderful, as a treat or salvation or something. That might not work for everybody but that's how my mind/body works.
For exercise I'm going to walk 30 minutes a day - no specific pace - and stay at that duration for the whole 2 weeks. That way my joints, tendons, and muscles won't be overloaded.
Initial Stats
Age: 39
Mother
On medication that affects weight: Yes, Yes, Yes
Height: 5'7.5"
Weight (10/25/11): 235.6 lbs
1st Goal (11/1/11): 225.6 lbs
to be continued...
My base weight...wait for it...is 235.6 POUNDS!!! WTF?!!!
I can't believe it's that high. I did have my "final" no-holds-barred meal last night so maybe it's just my overly full intestinal tract. I hope so.
My final goal weight is 135 lbs. Come to think of it, a loss of 100 lbs is such a nice, round number. But for right now, my focus is 70 in 90 - 70 lbs in 90 days and my first goal is 10 lbs in 7 days (that includes water and intestinal loss so it shouldn't be that difficult).
For the next 2 weeks I'm going to be on a completely liquid diet - primarily protein shakes but also soups, diet sodas, water. My max calories will be 1000 (again, a nice round number) and my minimum will be 600 to 800. I need to make it as hard as possible so that when I start eating whole foods again, my body sees it as something wonderful, as a treat or salvation or something. That might not work for everybody but that's how my mind/body works.
For exercise I'm going to walk 30 minutes a day - no specific pace - and stay at that duration for the whole 2 weeks. That way my joints, tendons, and muscles won't be overloaded.
Initial Stats
Age: 39
Mother
On medication that affects weight: Yes, Yes, Yes
Height: 5'7.5"
Weight (10/25/11): 235.6 lbs
1st Goal (11/1/11): 225.6 lbs
to be continued...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Pre-Diet
Today is my last free day before work begins. You would think I'd be nervous or excited or scared or something but I'm not. I'm just ready. I don't have a buzz like static. I have a deep calm like the deepest part of a lake.
Eventually I'll get to the why and what-fors but for now, just know I'm ready.
Eventually I'll get to the why and what-fors but for now, just know I'm ready.
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